ALL THE NEWS WITHOUT TEARS OR FLAVOR ©

fear-flavor-news

In English, there has been only one “newspaper of record”—only one paper in English that counts: The Japan Times.
Now, The Japan Times has been bought by “News2uHD,” a minor press release/SEO company.

The Japan Times joins News2uHD Group
japan times textMore…

 
Since 1897, The Japan Times has been the main way the world learned of Japan. This has become especially true now that all the major news bureaus like the New York Times and the Financial Times have moved out of Japan and rely on dubious local news translations and poorly-paid stringers.

Just a little more tham two decades ago, Tokyo had four, vibrant, English-language daily newspapers: The Japan Times, The Daily Yomiuri, The Mainichi Daily News, and The Asahi Shimbun. The Mainichi Daily News stopped printing almost 15 years ago and now has a minor daily news site. The Asahi Shimbun in English for the past decade just reposts content from the International Herald Tribune and doesn’t put much effort into translating Japanese news. The English Daily Yomiuri closed in 2010. The Japan Times was the only real English paper left—Japanese news in English will slow to a trickle and that will help Japan to continue to fade—ジャパンナッシング.

In case you’re curious about it, the name and masthead of The Japan Times has had a long, 120-year “evolution.”

 
Oh and about the title: “ALL THE NEWS WITHOUT TEARS OR FLAVOR©

Since 1956, the editorial motto* on the masthead of The Japan Times has been, “All the news without fear or favor”, the motto on the masthead of the Japan Times has been, “All the news without fear or favor”, which has led to endless jokes about “flavorless” news…sadly now that’s going to be all too real.

japan times press release

 



‘Do you know Japanese ______?’

“Do you know Japanese ______?” is a quirky Japanese-English sentence construction you will constantly be asked in Japan:
“Do you know sushi?” “Do you know sumo?” “Do you know Japanese sento (public bath)?” or in this case, “Do you know Viennese coffee?

do-you-know-viennese-coffee

Damn. I’ve been suckering into a really old, bad Japanese joke—an “oyaji gag” with the above BuzzFeed Japan post of, “Do you know Viennese coffee?
Japanese follows the proper name of the the city Vienna, “Wien” as it is in German by writing it in Japanese phonetically as “Wi~n” (ウィーン) and can be mispronounced Wee-na (wiener) like the sausage. Therefore, Japanese “Viennese coffee” can be “Wiener coffee” which is what Japanese refers to the Austrian style drink with whipped cream on top of coffee. Japanese also has other fun words for ordering coffee such as “American coffee” (アメリカンコーヒー) is a largish weak coffee and a “Dutch coffee” (ダッチ・コーヒー) is cold brew.

“Do you know Japanese jokes?” They are called “oyaji gag” (親父ギャグ) —literally meaning “father’s joke”—Japan’s equivalent of what would be called “dad jokes” in English based on a bad pun or a play on words. Japanese “Viennese coffee” has plenty of this engrish gag
weiner-coffee

Tomorrow’s Sour Lemon

tomorrow-lemon-sour-640x goofy Google Translate of the even goofier looking Suntory press release for April 04, 2017
Suntory Chuhai “Tomorrow’s Lemon Sour”
  — New for limited time
  — Salty lemon flavored with amino acids
Suntory Spirits Co., Ltd. will release “Tomorrow’s Lemon Sour” for a limited time only across the country starting from April 4. Illustrator Tomoko Ono expressed a bright and fun feeling by designing a, “scene enjoying lemon sour with a smile.”
Suggested retail price: 141 yen ($1.25 USD) / 350 ml per can / 5% alcohol

 

Our previous reports about Japanese chuhai spirits include:

  • Suck on these lemons (3Yen / 2017-03-04)
  • Chuhai breakfast special (3Yen / 2015-07-13/) /em>
  • Carp flavored Alcopop, from Japan of course (3Yen / 2011-06-17)

 



Suck on these lemons

Suntory’s wants you to suck down this pair of lemons.

dual-lemon-bimbos-cm

Comedian Emiko Kawamura and gravure idol Tomomi Katayama are promoting “Strong Zero, Lemon” chuhai/hooch of horrors.

Mon mon mon mon mon mon mon mon mooon~

 
Our previous reports of hooch-&-chuhai include:

 






ZERO LIFE … Japan

zero-life-6-pack

Somehow I feel this is the perfect brand name for a 6-pack in workaholic Japan.

 
big-zero-life-cafe

orionbeer.co.jp/brand/zerolife
Industry first! No new carbohydrates genre
  According to our company


Zero Life is a a pale lager beer fron Asahi Corooration’s Orion Breweries Limited in Urasoe-City, Okinawa.
 

 
 
 
Previous reports of beer/life/zero on the 3Yen include:

 




Ninja prayer pose pants?

kancho suprise buttsecs Kancho is the insidious Japanese school prank performed by poking both index fingers into someone’s butt when the victim is not looking that’s like a “Ninja Prayer Pose” below.no-kancho sign for japanese schools

Men’s Prayer Ninja Kancho Pose boxer shorts
…are a fun gift of men’s rugby uniform-style underwear from Rakuten.

 
Why rugby kancho underwear? Read the full rest-of-the-story in the Comments section.

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Previous kancho fun on the 3Yen:

 






How the Brew a Coffee…the Japanese Way

nestle-japan-1
How the Brew a Christmas Coffee Using a Wooden ROBO-BARISTA the Japanese Way

  1. Download special Nescafé app and fire it up.
  2. On the BARISTA app, select the emoticon that best fits your current mood.
  3. Observe that your emoticon then transforms into a cute bird character (which suspiciously looks like stealth Twitter marketing) and appears on the screen at Nescafé Barista i-coffee moment ensemble machine.
  4. Also watch that at the same time, a wooden ball is released from the top of the wooden i-coffee moment ensemble machine instrument to play a Christmas melodies* as it rolls down striking the tuned xylophone-like steps.
  5. Finally, your coffee poops out of the bottom of the robo-barista
  6. Remove your cup and drink coffee

You can enjoy this Rube Goldberg coffee machine in Tokyo’s Harajuku from Friday, Dec. 2 to Sunday Dec. 25. Derived from popular Japanese pitagorasu/ピタゴラス/Pythagorean devices, this contraption looks like a massive coffee mug measuring about three and half meters tall and three meters wide. A wooden ball is released from the top into a staircase-shaped maze that plays Christmas songs* as it rolls downwards striking the tuned xylophone steps on its way in a whimsical and entertaining display. The contraption consists of 180 xylophone-like keys and 1450 individual parts. Its construction required approximately five months and utilized laser machining as well as a number of other frou-frou technologies.

*The Christmas songs performed are:

  • We wish you a Merry Christmas
  • Joy to the World
  • Winter Wonderland

Our previous Christmassy reports of Japanese fun include:

 






Finger nuptials from KFC Japan

New FINGER NUPtialS for a perfect Kentucky Christmas—according to KFC Japan

 

goofy Google Translate of @KFC_jp

\ Don’t worry about oily hands anymore! /
★ “Finger nap” appeared! ★
If you are in the vicinity of a store, please try by all means ♪

kfc-finger-nup-promo_370x640

 

Since Christmas is Japan’s biggest hot-date night (3Yen / 2005-12-14), some people have remarked that: ‵‵KFC is fooling no-one. Those are contraceptives for Christmas Eve.″(@noruweijin)
condom-placemat_250x_sm

Actually, “finger nups” is not a misspelling of KFC Japan’s abbreviated/coined term “finger napkins” (フィンガーナップ)—Rather it’s a shrewd observation that most single Japanese will be spending Christmas Eve alone (3Yen / 2007-12-25) having finger NUPtials with themselves.

For Japanese, Kentucky Fried Chicken is the ideal Christmas dinner (3Yen / 2012-11-25), so this promotion starts today, December 15—details on the KFC Japan website.

 
 






♬~Beginning to look like ‘Kurisumasu’

Meri Kurisumasu (メリークリスマス) aka XXX Merry Christmas from the love-Hotel Chapel Christmas

View post on imgur.com

According to DingisMcGee’s youtube, ‵‵Hotel Chapel Christmas near Narita International Airport is where Santa takes his ‘Hoe Hoe Hoe’ in Japan.″

Hotel Chapel Christmas says it’s, ‵‵Designed for adults only…guests can unwind and relax in the spacious [Christmassy] environment

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Our previous Christmassy reports of Japan include:

 






Japanese toilet candy is the shits, literally

mocolet 4 twisted toilet candy

Japanese toilet candy shit-kit — the Moco Moco Mocolet.
Besides kits with modern flushers, they also offer candy in old style Japanese squat toilets. Each kit contains toy toilets with blue poop-candy powder that has a soda flavor and a pink poop with strawberry flavor.

See more about the toy toilet kits in the Comments section.
 
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A few of our other many shitty toilet tales of Japan include: